Alternative Birthing Plans for Modern Women

When you’re pregnant, prepare yourself for lots of personal questions about your body, your pregnancy, and birth plans from family, friends, and of course – complete strangers (it takes a village, right?). There was one common question that surprised and disturbed me the most. Everyone asked me this question, and all I could think was, “I never knew someone in a grocery store checkout line would want to know this about me.” The question is: Are you having a natural birth?

First of all, I don’t think most people exactly know what they are asking with this question. Do people mean, natural as in, vaginal birth? Or as in, using no drugs? Or do they mean, natural as in, naked in a cave? That’s the most natural way I can think of, anyway.

People who ask a personal and graphically specific question deserve an equally disturbing answer. So, if you are pregnant, feel free to tell people any of these alternative birthing plans. If people look at you like you’re crazy, just look at them like, “What? We live in the future of modern medicine, people, a girl’s gotta have her extreme and ultra-specific options.”

Trampo-birthing: This one needs a little explanation. You see, someone at work told me while I was pregnant that you can’t go on a trampoline because it’s dangerous for the baby, he might fall out. I said, “If there’s an option where the baby just falls out, sign me up.” Yeah, I’ll avoid trampolines until I’m 40 weeks, but after that, I’m going to seek them out! I loved the idea of getting the birth over with quickly – with the added benefit of some light cardio.

Bouncey-house-birthing: A lot like Trampo-birthing, except you get to enjoy a bouncey house, and your child arrives in a child-friendly environment and gets an aspirational preview of his 5th birthday party!

Bungee-birthing: The next logical step after Trampo-birthing. Works well for those extreme sports women, you know, the adrenaline junkies among us.

Hot-tub-time-machine-birthing: Sort of like water-birthing, but while in labor the hot tub takes you back to a time before you were pregnant, when you could actually enjoy a hot tub.

Manger-birth: Surround yourself Mary-and-Joseph-style with barnyard creatures and hay. Then see if there’s any truth to the whole “Silent Night” legend. Especially great option for births during the holiday season. Go ahead and get pics for baby’s first Christmas card!

Paleo-birth: Naked in a cave. Also, you can only eat cauliflower and sweet potatoes, but no one knows why.

There’s really no way to stop people from asking you inappropriate questions throughout your pregnancy. So, my motto was, pregnancy is a very short window for a very niche kind of comedy, so why not take full advantage and have some fun with it?

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