When you see a mom at the park crawl up into the play structure behind her child, do you roll your eyes or smirk to your friend thinking, “I would never do that with my kid”? Helicopter parents have a really bad reputation, but guess what? I’m here to admit to you, I am a helicopter parent, and some of my friends are too. And I love it. Here’s why:
1. Helicopter parents go through fewer Band-aids
As a helicopter parent, my kid never falls down and never needs a Band-aid. Why? Because I stoop down behind him as he walks and have my arms outstretched and ready to catch him at all times. Like his own secret service agent, I am always ready to throw my body between him and any potential threat – like a twig in the grass that might trip him. So, my child may not be riding down a hill in a rusty wagon with no brakes and no helmet like I did as a kid, but we sure save a lot of money on Bactine and Neosporin.
2. Helicopter parents burn more calories
It takes more calories to stoop behind your kid as he walks so you’re ready to catch him at all times. Also, all that squatting is great for the glutes. Cross-fit? Don’t need it.
3. Kids with helicopter parents never expect to get away with anything
Do you watch your kids on the video monitor even after they are way too old to need it?
“Let’s check in on Billy’s room and see if he’s really doing his math homework.”
How about checking your kid’s email, looking at her texts?
“I think I’ll log into Kayla’s Facebook to see if she’s still having that fight with Haley.”
You call this an invasion of privacy; I call it training for the real world. With government phone tapping, drone surveillance, and wikileaks and their ilk, kids should learn early that anything they ever do is traceable and recorded. This is modern life, and the sooner my kid realizes it, the better. Maybe if politicians grew up with helicopter parents they wouldn’t assume their email and texts are oh-so private.
4. Helicopter parents make the best hang-out buddies
Hey, even helicopter parents have low-energy days when we phone it in with our kids. But, if you’re in a group of helicopter parents, they’ll watch your kid right along with theirs – you don’t even have to ask.
“Do you think Brooklyn needs some sunscreen? I brought the spray and the stick kind. Which does she prefer?”
Annoying? No, genious.
“Did you forget the nut butter for Aiden’s apple slices? Don’t worry, I made extra.”
Brilliant.
“I think I just saw Ava lick a rock. I’ll rinse her mouth out for you.”
Perfect! I’ll just be here checking my phone. But next week, I’ll be the one who fishes a ladybug or an old cigarette butt out of your kid’s mouth, so it’s all good.
I am not embarrassed to be a helicopter parent, in fact, I’m proud of it. Helicopters are seriously cool. If there’s a helicopter in a movie or show, you know the person riding in it is some kind of James Bond, Jason Bourne person saving the world at just the right time. And most days, that’s me too – I just swoop in with Boogie Wipes and whole grain mini-muffins instead of a Bowie knife and a Glock.
Also, Jason Bourne is so fit from running around saving people and jumping in and out of helicopters, he never needs to Cross-fit, but he still has amazing glutes.